challenging challenge number 3

After writing my last entry here I just felt like it was time to change direction. From procrastrination to inspiration. And since, obviously, inspiration doesn't just appear at your doorstep because you feel it should I decided to help it a bit.

How to do that, I wondered, and then it struck me:

I have been so good at getting things done that I feel no inspiration about that has nothing to do with art or what I want. How did I manage that? And can I use that experience in this project somehow? The answer to that is a loud yes. Because what I do then, is just simply do. Step by step, day by day. Sometimes minute by minute. Just be in the present, don't agonize about the future or cry over the past. Just do, and when this is done you can do something else. That's what I've told myself. So today I started gently:

I've been asked to write something about this project for another blog (will let you know more when all is ready), and I have agonised about not doing this, about how I ought to do it, about how terribly bad what I eventually do will probably be etcetera in all eternity.

But now: stop.

Just do.

Sentence by sentence.

Word by word.

And then it will be done, and I can do the next thing.

And do you know what the best thing about this is? Once I start doing, no matter how small the action, I do get inspired, and I do feel close to the project again, hope starts to shine and after a while I know I am going to feel it again:

This could be such a great art project! It really could be! Oh, what the heck, it is!

challenge number 3

And so time goes by. Day adds to day turns into weeks and then into months.

I procrastinate.

Everyday is the day when I am going to do all the things I decided to do as to make this project get going, come more alive. Everyday is the day that I don't. It begins to feel like a must, like a chore. It gives me guilt and gives voice to those whispers I know far too well:

"Well, you never get round to doing anything anyway. You never finish anything. All your projects turn out as nothing. Why not just forget about it all?"

Because.

My challenge now is not to distance myself from this project. Not to start telling myself that it really doesn't matter.

Because it does.

My challenge now is to remember how I felt when I had the idea, when I started planning it and when I talk to people about it:

Lit up.

Alive.

Happy and giggly.

And hold on to that feeling. And have the courage to wait. I know there are contributions making their way to me. I know there are many people I could reach that might want to join. I just have to forgive myself (again) for being human and not getting the things done that I want. And try again.

Maybe this evening.

Maybe tomorrow.