challenge number 3

And so time goes by. Day adds to day turns into weeks and then into months.

I procrastinate.

Everyday is the day when I am going to do all the things I decided to do as to make this project get going, come more alive. Everyday is the day that I don't. It begins to feel like a must, like a chore. It gives me guilt and gives voice to those whispers I know far too well:

"Well, you never get round to doing anything anyway. You never finish anything. All your projects turn out as nothing. Why not just forget about it all?"

Because.

My challenge now is not to distance myself from this project. Not to start telling myself that it really doesn't matter.

Because it does.

My challenge now is to remember how I felt when I had the idea, when I started planning it and when I talk to people about it:

Lit up.

Alive.

Happy and giggly.

And hold on to that feeling. And have the courage to wait. I know there are contributions making their way to me. I know there are many people I could reach that might want to join. I just have to forgive myself (again) for being human and not getting the things done that I want. And try again.

Maybe this evening.

Maybe tomorrow.

Close. Distant.

Another big one. A constant conflict for many. Again, the fear of being vulnerable. Some of us fear to get too close since we might be exposed. Or become dependent. Some of us fear the distance to others. Having to face life alone. Some swing back and forth between these two, never really eing able to settle either in independence or in companionship. Of course we need both. And again it seems that the two are mutually interlocked, holding the key to one another:

If we do not know how to stand on our own two feet, if we cannot spend a fairly meaningful time by ourselves there is a risk that we will have some trouble in our being with others. And if we cannot relate to others,if we shut others out and refuse to aknowledge any need or weakness our solitude might soon become overwhelming, or we might start to fill up with emptiness. We are, after all, a social animal. We may need the love of others as a firm ground to step off into independence from. And to return to in times of challenge. And what does independence mean in a universe containing but one person? Independent in close company of others - easy peasy!

Wanting to come close to someone of course exposes us to the possibility of rejection. We've all been there and who would want to go there again? It hurts like hell!

And isn't it nice how this "conflict/solution" would show through this project if it got going a bit more - with all strong, independent works of art coming together to become something more than they were alone, at the same time that the whole (ten mantles) would never be so glorious if it weren't for the individuality of the pieces?! Something worth joining ;)?

I wish you all the best on this day that is so beautiful here in Stockholm at least!

Annoying!

I wanted to leave a response to the comment made on my last entry, but blogger refuses to let me! What?! So I can't respond to comments on my own blog? Ridiculous! Anyway, I mostly wanted to say thanks for leaving a comment, and that I agree that death can really have a twofold way of working as a "skin" for us: Either release us from all responsibility (There is no use in living if we are all going to die) or give us the courage and propell us forward past our fears (since we are going to die, none of our fears really will matter in the end, so we might as well go for it). I guess it is in the mindset towards death that we choose (consiously or subconsciously) I guess =).

Ultimate Vulnerability. Capitol V.

The utmost vulnerability. The thing that makes us tremble the most. Isn't that the knowledge of our own mortality? The inescapable death of us and everyone we love. For a long time I thought I had no fear of death what so ever. Until I had kids. Then I realized All I had done was to numb myself and pretend this absence of contacr with my thoughts and feelings was absence of fear.

And in my work as a psychologist I have learnt another thing about death:

When life hands us experiences in which we have to face our mortality, we often come in contact with great things. These close encounters with death make values fall into place, we suddenly have the courage to do things we have feared doing sometimes most of our life, we make insights about deeper, unknown, surprising or very wellknown but forgotten/pushed aside aspects of ourselves. What scares us most can give us courage, knowledge, harmony, joy, acceptance - all this good stuff.

Apart from this being interestingly paradoxical it should probably make us wonder how it might be possible to gain access to all of this without almost dying first. We all know this - lots of people have written about it and spoken about it. It's by no means news... But then what? How do we turn the knowledge into a hands on real positive force in our life?

Adress. Deadline.

The other day I finally got round to picking up the keys to my postbox, and so now there is finally an adress to which you can send your symbolic skins and words if you want to participate! I'm so looking forward to maybe hearing from you and seeing this idea come into form.

The adress is:

Robin Knight

PB 21027

10031 Stockholm

Sweden

I have also decided that it may be better to have a deadline for when I give up on this wonderful project/start putting all the wonderful contributions together into a smashingly fabulous work of art. And it will be end of next year - new years eve 2012. So hurry scurry!! If you have any questions or comments - just let me now, here as a comment or on my mail: robin@bzbz.nu.

Lot's of love!

all brand new

Two days ago, we welcomed our daughter to the world. And now we are trying to settle in this new family constellation. Which feels totally right and... I think complete is the word I'm looking for. And I have to find out how best to be a brand new mother of two. It's not obvious. And of course how to mother this little project and see if I can, after all, make it fly or not. First thing is to go get the keys and adress to my P.O. Box. When I can walk that long, that is =).

Hope to hear from you,

R.

Still waiting for the baby to arrive. I haven't had my thoughts on this project much for a number of days, since the baby was supposed to come on the 15:th. He or she is taking his/her time... One thing I have been thinking about though, is how becoming parents creates a new type of vulnerability in you. At least it has done in me. Things that I would have done without hesitating before, decisions that were easy to make in the blink of an eye, now carry with them so much more tought, fear and hesitation. Everything I do now, I do both as myself and as my son's mother. I may not fear parachuting, or walking over the street when the lights are red, but I fear what could happen to my son's mother.

In another sence, my sense of being vulnerable has lessened. Just the other day I came to realize that one of my major "everyday issues" (or what to call it) has ceased to be of importance: I have always felt I'm extremely poor at small talk, and meeting new people in situations when this is required, for example parties, job conferences etcetera, has made me feel very exposed and frightened. And now, I'm chatting freely with all the other parents I meet in the playground, and our neighbours and people walking their dogs etcetera. Actually having fun! And this is since I had my son, I have stopped worrying so much about what I say and how it might sound, and instead caring about creating a community here where we live where all our children can be recognized and see that their parents are getting along.

I wonder what other changes in life changes your sense of vulnerability - strength and how. And I am so curious about how other people (you) think about these things and, of course, would visualize it artistically.

Hope to hear from you soon =).