It begins with a p.

Procrastination.

I still haven't tried to contact possible people and contexts that might like to join this project. Still! I cannot believe how frightened I must be to make it so difficult for me. I still feel so sure that it is a good idea, and I am convinced the end result will absoutely fantastic.

And yet, when I imagine talking about it with people I feel shame. Like somehow if I ask people to actually join and try to speak up for this idea, then they will just stare at me and frown and maybe even laugh behind my back, and I will realize that of course it's ridiculous and how could I ever havecthought...

And I am also beginning to suspect that an old friend of mine is showing it's ugly face: the troll that destroys things that are good. Away with you! Maybe if I lovebomb it it will shatter, like trolls shatter when exposed to the sun? I read in an other blog about a project in which you try to write 50.000 words in a month. Maybe in a while when my daughter is a bit bigger I will set up a similar goal related to "marketing" this project and see where that takes me. Anybody else in need of such a challenge who would like to join me for company and encouragement?

Love to all of you!

Words for skin number two.

The woman who sent me her symbolic skin a while ago, now completed her contribution with some words describing her thoughts behind the piece of art. Her skin can be seen here:

http://symbolicskin.blogspot.com/2011/05/number-two.html

And so the words:

"Since I was young I have loved to experiment and play up colours and shapes with fabric and
yarn. For several years I had a business where I created clothes which purpose was not solely to protect against cold but were also supposed to offer a second skin. An extra skin that in the correct and unique guise in colour, shape and material could work as some sort of soul shield – a symbolic skin to protect and give inner balance to the person wearing them.

This, my symbolic skin is a soft and strong shield made through dying in my pot in the
garden and through matting and uniting different sorts of wool fibers as well as old and new pieces of fabric.
Violetblue and redorange are my favorite colours at the moment
- blue for the deep ocean and orange for the life-giving fire."

Especially this life-giving fire is something I really also would like to wrap around myself now that november is turning colder and colder with every day here in Sweden.

Love to all of you!

Vi möts i en värld. We meet in a world.

I proudly present to you the latest contribution to this slowly forming cobweb of art a beutiful poem sent to me (translated into english at the end):

Vi möts i en värld
”Under långa dagar, långa nätter sover vi inte
Under långa armar, långa ben, långa kroppar håller vi oss varma
Under lång tortyr, under lång vilja, under lång samarbete håller vi oss
förenade
Var är du? När kommer du hit?
Väntar du på min rop?
Vill du komma och överraska mig?
Jag är inte en människa, jag är hundra, tusen och miljoner människor
samtidigt. Vi har varit här lång tid men du ser inte oss, trots att vi är
många.
Mitt land, vårt land ligger i världens hjärta.
Se du nu på oss?
Snart ska vi mötas i en värld.”

We meet in a world

"During long days, long nights we don't sleep

Under long arms, long legs, long bodies we keep ourselves warm

During long torture, long will, long collaboration we keep

united

Where are you? When are you coming here?

Are you waiting for my cry?

Will you come and surprise me?

I am not one human, I am one hundred, one thousand, one million humans

at once. We have been here for a long time but you don't see us, even though we are

many.

My country, our country is in the heart of the world.

Are you looking at us now?

Soon we shall meet in a world."

All my love and thanks to the lovely person/poet!

challenging challenge number 3

After writing my last entry here I just felt like it was time to change direction. From procrastrination to inspiration. And since, obviously, inspiration doesn't just appear at your doorstep because you feel it should I decided to help it a bit.

How to do that, I wondered, and then it struck me:

I have been so good at getting things done that I feel no inspiration about that has nothing to do with art or what I want. How did I manage that? And can I use that experience in this project somehow? The answer to that is a loud yes. Because what I do then, is just simply do. Step by step, day by day. Sometimes minute by minute. Just be in the present, don't agonize about the future or cry over the past. Just do, and when this is done you can do something else. That's what I've told myself. So today I started gently:

I've been asked to write something about this project for another blog (will let you know more when all is ready), and I have agonised about not doing this, about how I ought to do it, about how terribly bad what I eventually do will probably be etcetera in all eternity.

But now: stop.

Just do.

Sentence by sentence.

Word by word.

And then it will be done, and I can do the next thing.

And do you know what the best thing about this is? Once I start doing, no matter how small the action, I do get inspired, and I do feel close to the project again, hope starts to shine and after a while I know I am going to feel it again:

This could be such a great art project! It really could be! Oh, what the heck, it is!

challenge number 3

And so time goes by. Day adds to day turns into weeks and then into months.

I procrastinate.

Everyday is the day when I am going to do all the things I decided to do as to make this project get going, come more alive. Everyday is the day that I don't. It begins to feel like a must, like a chore. It gives me guilt and gives voice to those whispers I know far too well:

"Well, you never get round to doing anything anyway. You never finish anything. All your projects turn out as nothing. Why not just forget about it all?"

Because.

My challenge now is not to distance myself from this project. Not to start telling myself that it really doesn't matter.

Because it does.

My challenge now is to remember how I felt when I had the idea, when I started planning it and when I talk to people about it:

Lit up.

Alive.

Happy and giggly.

And hold on to that feeling. And have the courage to wait. I know there are contributions making their way to me. I know there are many people I could reach that might want to join. I just have to forgive myself (again) for being human and not getting the things done that I want. And try again.

Maybe this evening.

Maybe tomorrow.

Close. Distant.

Another big one. A constant conflict for many. Again, the fear of being vulnerable. Some of us fear to get too close since we might be exposed. Or become dependent. Some of us fear the distance to others. Having to face life alone. Some swing back and forth between these two, never really eing able to settle either in independence or in companionship. Of course we need both. And again it seems that the two are mutually interlocked, holding the key to one another:

If we do not know how to stand on our own two feet, if we cannot spend a fairly meaningful time by ourselves there is a risk that we will have some trouble in our being with others. And if we cannot relate to others,if we shut others out and refuse to aknowledge any need or weakness our solitude might soon become overwhelming, or we might start to fill up with emptiness. We are, after all, a social animal. We may need the love of others as a firm ground to step off into independence from. And to return to in times of challenge. And what does independence mean in a universe containing but one person? Independent in close company of others - easy peasy!

Wanting to come close to someone of course exposes us to the possibility of rejection. We've all been there and who would want to go there again? It hurts like hell!

And isn't it nice how this "conflict/solution" would show through this project if it got going a bit more - with all strong, independent works of art coming together to become something more than they were alone, at the same time that the whole (ten mantles) would never be so glorious if it weren't for the individuality of the pieces?! Something worth joining ;)?

I wish you all the best on this day that is so beautiful here in Stockholm at least!

Annoying!

I wanted to leave a response to the comment made on my last entry, but blogger refuses to let me! What?! So I can't respond to comments on my own blog? Ridiculous! Anyway, I mostly wanted to say thanks for leaving a comment, and that I agree that death can really have a twofold way of working as a "skin" for us: Either release us from all responsibility (There is no use in living if we are all going to die) or give us the courage and propell us forward past our fears (since we are going to die, none of our fears really will matter in the end, so we might as well go for it). I guess it is in the mindset towards death that we choose (consiously or subconsciously) I guess =).

Ultimate Vulnerability. Capitol V.

The utmost vulnerability. The thing that makes us tremble the most. Isn't that the knowledge of our own mortality? The inescapable death of us and everyone we love. For a long time I thought I had no fear of death what so ever. Until I had kids. Then I realized All I had done was to numb myself and pretend this absence of contacr with my thoughts and feelings was absence of fear.

And in my work as a psychologist I have learnt another thing about death:

When life hands us experiences in which we have to face our mortality, we often come in contact with great things. These close encounters with death make values fall into place, we suddenly have the courage to do things we have feared doing sometimes most of our life, we make insights about deeper, unknown, surprising or very wellknown but forgotten/pushed aside aspects of ourselves. What scares us most can give us courage, knowledge, harmony, joy, acceptance - all this good stuff.

Apart from this being interestingly paradoxical it should probably make us wonder how it might be possible to gain access to all of this without almost dying first. We all know this - lots of people have written about it and spoken about it. It's by no means news... But then what? How do we turn the knowledge into a hands on real positive force in our life?

Adress. Deadline.

The other day I finally got round to picking up the keys to my postbox, and so now there is finally an adress to which you can send your symbolic skins and words if you want to participate! I'm so looking forward to maybe hearing from you and seeing this idea come into form.

The adress is:

Robin Knight

PB 21027

10031 Stockholm

Sweden

I have also decided that it may be better to have a deadline for when I give up on this wonderful project/start putting all the wonderful contributions together into a smashingly fabulous work of art. And it will be end of next year - new years eve 2012. So hurry scurry!! If you have any questions or comments - just let me now, here as a comment or on my mail: robin@bzbz.nu.

Lot's of love!

all brand new

Two days ago, we welcomed our daughter to the world. And now we are trying to settle in this new family constellation. Which feels totally right and... I think complete is the word I'm looking for. And I have to find out how best to be a brand new mother of two. It's not obvious. And of course how to mother this little project and see if I can, after all, make it fly or not. First thing is to go get the keys and adress to my P.O. Box. When I can walk that long, that is =).

Hope to hear from you,

R.

Still waiting for the baby to arrive. I haven't had my thoughts on this project much for a number of days, since the baby was supposed to come on the 15:th. He or she is taking his/her time... One thing I have been thinking about though, is how becoming parents creates a new type of vulnerability in you. At least it has done in me. Things that I would have done without hesitating before, decisions that were easy to make in the blink of an eye, now carry with them so much more tought, fear and hesitation. Everything I do now, I do both as myself and as my son's mother. I may not fear parachuting, or walking over the street when the lights are red, but I fear what could happen to my son's mother.

In another sence, my sense of being vulnerable has lessened. Just the other day I came to realize that one of my major "everyday issues" (or what to call it) has ceased to be of importance: I have always felt I'm extremely poor at small talk, and meeting new people in situations when this is required, for example parties, job conferences etcetera, has made me feel very exposed and frightened. And now, I'm chatting freely with all the other parents I meet in the playground, and our neighbours and people walking their dogs etcetera. Actually having fun! And this is since I had my son, I have stopped worrying so much about what I say and how it might sound, and instead caring about creating a community here where we live where all our children can be recognized and see that their parents are getting along.

I wonder what other changes in life changes your sense of vulnerability - strength and how. And I am so curious about how other people (you) think about these things and, of course, would visualize it artistically.

Hope to hear from you soon =).

p.o. box

And so, after whining a little bit earlier today, I finally ordered a P.O.box. Come first of august I'll finally have an adress to give you. So suddenly it seems that tomorrow might be the day I finally start networking a bit more actively =). To celebrate how roller coaster-like life can be (gloomy this morning, inspired tonight), I'm now going to check out a japanese roller coaster ride that looks like it's up my alley. Not in real life, sadly =). I do hope to go to Japan one of these days though.

Challenge number 2

How to stay at it?

That's the question for me right now. Right now I feel like just giving up and pretending I never had this idea. My baby is due in three days - feels like it's probably never going to come, I still have work to do, and I don't know wether this project is of any interest to anyone but myself. Should it matter? I don't know.

How do you keep at it? How do you keep the courage and energy to go on anyway? Even though you don't get much response. Even though the goal seems to be nowhere in sight. Even though what seemed to be an easy peasy little thing to do suddenly appears near impossible. I tell myself I should just relax and let it become whatever it becomes. It's something even though it doesn't turn out the way I imagined it. And also... If I want something to happen, I have to do something, no? Isn't it amazing how many reasons and obstacles can be found to doing what it takes to make a dream come true? I never find even close to half as many obstacles to doing things I don't like or don't particularly care for. Hmmm.... What's that about? I never seem to be hindered to go out with the garbage, or sweep the floors or do the dishes or go to work. But to send an email to a school or organization that might have members interested in joining this project? It seems easier to get a job as an astronaut. Maybe I'm just scared. That nobody will care about me or my idea. Better not to ask at all then. But I truly don't believe that, and it's sure not the way I want to live my life. And everyone I've talked to so far does think this idea is a good one. So, I'm going to find a way to keep at it. Maybe I'll finally get around to getting that P.O. Box today. And then suddenly it will fill up with wonderful pieces. Who knows? My challenge number 2 is to allow myself to stay inspired with or without the outspoken blessings, cheers or "of course you should"s of others =).

The last while I have been thinking a lot about this question of vulnerability and strength, and about how to enhance and explore my relationship with nature wich I feel is a core issue for me in order to be in harmony and have the courage to expose myself as vulnerable (and open to receive and give). And so, as a sort of side project to this project, I am now trying to make natuer more present in my everyday life. Luckily enough, I happen to have come across an alottment. Just outside our house. In the middle of the city. How amazingly fortunate is that? And allthough I have been far from tending enough in this conditioner of mine (two weeks until the baby is supposed to be born), a couple of evenings ago, I found that strawberries, beetroots and carrots are making their way through the sea of weed that the allottment has been covered in. It feels so nice to grow things myself that I will be able to eat (if they don't die first), and looking at those little sprouts I feel more grounded in myself.

I've also started knitting on something else. So far, it's just a bunch of squares, but in time it will be.... something. A blanket? A shawl? I've knitted blues to symbolize water (again). Now I'm knitting greens to symbolize the forest. Reds as the fire and the sun, and greys as stones and minerals will follow. I hope that you can be inspired too, to join in this work of art. Read the pages about the project and about joining if you're curious and want to find out the details!

Speach on vulnerability

Today I watched a really inspiring speach from one of the TED conferences (go to www.ted.com to find a great number of wise, inspiring, funny, smart people talking about their top subject!). The speaker is Brené Brown, a researcher who tells us about discovering the power of vulnerability. Follow the link to watch it, I really think it's worthwhile!

www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

It connects a bit to what I wrote in my post Vulnerability. Strenght. I want to quote how she put it, because I thought it was beautiful: Vulnerability "is the core of shame, fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it is also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love". So true, don't you think?

I can personally relate to this, since blogging about this project, actually trying to make it happen, and for example stating that I am/feel like an artist and creative person, makes me feel so vulnerable. I'm immediately filled with thoughts like: I can't say I'm an artist, I have no education, I don't work as an artist, I'm not good enough, people will laugh or resent me etcetera etcetera. But at the same time, as soon as I do something, whatever it is, connected to this project I feel enlivened, happy, inspired and filled with ideas. And I hope eventually this will also lead to me being connected to more of you through joining in this project together, or just through having a conversation here on the blog. Even just seeing that somebody has been here to watch puts a smile on my face =). Know you are welcome!

Paper

I just came up with an idea of how to treat or prepare possible "paperskins" so I can sew them together with the skins of other materials. Therefore: no restrictions on creating skins in paper anymore! All of you who feel like drawing, painting, making a collage, papercutting, scrapbooking a skin - and don't feel like canvas was a good idea - welcome to participate =).

I'm still exited about the skins I've gotten so far, and am SO looking forward to coming into contact with more of you, and your creations and words and ideas!

After the summer I will also have access to a postbox, so there will be an actual adress to send skins to soon... For now, if you want to get into touch with me without leaving a comment here on the blog: email me on robin@bzbz.nu.

Wishing you all a wonderful day!

Vulnerability. Strength.

At first glimpse, it is easy to understand vulnerability as something negative. Something to avoid. We expose ourselves to harm and danger. We risk being attacked and injured. The word vulnerability brings out associations of weakness and maybe even stupidity. "Susceptibility of a person, group, society or system to physical or emotional injury or attack." That is one of the definitions you can find on Wikipedia. And of course this is a very important aspect of what vulnerability is. As such, we have come to shun it. Not only is it something we try to avoid and to protect us from, it has also become something we deny knowing at all. Or maybe we can see it in others but not in ourselves. And if we can feel it ourselves, we are not in a hurry to admit it to the world. Yet it's blatantly obviously there.

As said before, I am sure it is a feeling we all have experienced in one or another aspect of our lives, as individuals. But our vulnerability is also visible elsewhere. We have large faith for example in our economical systems and in the benefits and protection of capitalsim, yet many countries have recently suffered severe economical crises. Not that our systems are necessarily wrong, but are they devoid of vulnerability? As humans our vulnerability shows for example in the face of natural disasters, and in our seeming unability to live peacefully, without warfare. We take advantage of the vulnerability of nature and eploit it way beyond it's healthy limits and therby risk our own existence.

So, vulnerability is bad? So, we need to be strong and forceful and protect ourselves against all these things? What then is strength and protection? Is it to make shields and covers behind which to hide? Sometimes it is. If somebody attacks you or your child for example, of course you need to take measures to protect yourself and her/him. But let's also look at another aspect of - vulnerability. "Letting your guard down, leaving yourself open to censure or critisism". At first this seems to more or of the bad, but at the same time I'm thinking maybe not. Letting your guard down means opening up for the surrounding world. Sure, this results in a possibility that you will be harmed, but it also means you open up for good things as love, as actually being in a real relationship with your environment. And maybe here vulnerability and strength join hands. Through opening up our hearts to The Other, and to ourselves as we are in this very moment, to our deep and unavoidable connection to earth. Maybe this is how we become strong and find protection, through daring to be vulnerable. Maybe through these symbolic skins we can learn something about what we fear and what gives us a sense of safety and courage. Maybe for example my "water-skin" is a symbol of my need and love for a sincere connection to nature, and maybe through giving myself the experience of this connection I can - as beautifully written in one of the comments - open my skin up a bit to allow others coming near me.

Number two

This symbolic skin was handed to me this weekend and I find it absolutely beautiful! Words to acompany it will follow!

Number one

Today I am genuinely happy to introduce the very first contribution to this project (my own excepted). A young man at the age of five heard about my project from his mother, and immediately decided to join in and create his own symbolic skin. I am very proud to present an image showing a detail of his work of art. It's constructed by a soft, red piece of cloth with two nature's items attached to it - a tiny cone and a tiny leaf.

Challenge number one

Some time has passed now, and this project is (as probably many projects) slow to start up. This is the first project I am heading, and I have allready learnt a lot of what is required to take an idea and make it come real. I'm refining the projectplan to be able to contact possible sponsors in the private sector and putting together material of information for those who wish to participate. I've been questioning whether I should wait to start networking in a larger scale until I know whether I'll be able to pay participants for postal services or not, but I don't know. I really want this to become real, and it's difficult to wait =). But on the other hand it would be wonderful to be able to offer you who wish to join in repayment for what it costs to send your skins and stories to me. We'll see how it goes!

Also I have learnt how difficult it is to be your own sole motor of inspiration. I really believe in this idea, but I also long for the time when I start recieving contributions from others and can be more in a dialogue with participants in the project. This is also a time which puts me straight in contact with those very thoughts that tend to make me feel vulnerable. Is what I'm doing worth anything? Will anybody else find this a good idea and meaningful project? I decide that, yes: in a while, maybe soon people will start to join in. The idea is good. It´s just a matter of time. I think we can create a wonderful work of art together and a wonderful set of stories!

So, challenge number one: I shall feign of those negative thoughts and remember my vision, I shall be courageous and contact everyone I think might want to support this project, and I shall start networking no matter the financial situation. My idea deserves to come true!

What will happen in the end?

I have now finilized my idea of how I want to present this project when I have received all the wonderful symbolic skins! The idea is to make an exhibition where the different skins have been sown together in ten different mantles. I have chosen the shape of mantles, since I feel that it is a garment that carries a lot of symbolic meaning:

Magicians have their magic mantles, kings of days past wore mantles symbolizing their powers, in fairytales we find mantles that can make their carrier invisible, Superman has a mantle as a part of the costume that is meant to show his strength, fysical invulnerability and superhuman powers.

The purpose is that the mantles together with the written words and stories will give a sence of how we all carry this potential vulnerability, but also the courage and force to protect ourselves, face up to challenging situations and create something positive out of this vulnerability. Putting the different skins together in a larger whole shows how we all belong together, and also that through realizing this we become stronger and more secure, together - humanity being a unity rather than a number of separated individuals.

beginnings

I am so pleased to be able to write that the first persons have now joined this project! I am looking forward to seeing their wonderful skins and read their stories if they choose to enclose stories. I really do think this project has the capability of bringing many people together and what is going on now is the beginning of this. I am so happy and excited!

My journey in this project now is to meet and talk to as many people as possible, seeing if they whish, or know somebody who would like to take part. I have also started having and sharing thoughts about how to identify oneself, how to relate to vulnerability and strength, what those things are...

An interesting journey indeed - which you are very much welcome to join if you'd like!

My skin. My story.

I have felt truly vulnerable at many points in my life, but I also feel that nowadays I have gained a lot of strength that I didn't have before. Even so, there are still moments when I feel a need for more strength, more calmness and an ability to wrap myself up in something that comforts me and enables me to face my challenges. It's not so much other people that make me feel vulnerable anymore. It's more what I have inside myself. Sometimes, I tend to have a voice inside that keeps telling me I'm no good, that my ideas are worthless and that if I follow my heart's desire I will only gain unhappiness, misfortune, and the ones that I love will surely leave me. It's when facing these thoughts that I would use my symbolic skin to eliminate their power over me and make me remember my value and strengths.

I have made my skin by knitting, and I wanted to attain some similarity to water because water has always been a comfort to me. Looking at it, listening to it and feeling it. Whether it is the ocean, rain or the water in my shower. It makes me relax, helps me focus, stimulates my imagination, helps me bring order to my thoughts and calms me.

My name is Robin Knight, I am 35 years old, the mother of a son who will be two this spring and me and his father live together in Stockholm. I am a trained psychologist, working as a research assistant at the moment , but I also have training in acting and singing.

My dream with this project is that it becomes a global project with all sorts of people taking part, that I can have an exhibition (my sister has promised to help with a location, so that part is definitely going to happen!) and that I will be able to make a book with photographs of the skins presented with the stories.